Five ways of receiving affection

There's a theory about people and how we receive (and give) affection. I read it some years back and it struck a chord. The five ways helped me understand people (and myself) better. For example when it comes to writing, I can't really "believe" people's praise unless they act interested; no amount of compliments make me feel as if they think I'm any good. What do you think about this? (see them below) I'm mainly an "Acts of Service" person - how about you?

The five main ways people can give/receive affection are: (copied from here but I saw them a long time ago and just needed to find all the definitions)

Quality Time – where you give each other 'undivided attention’ to talk, listen, eat together or enjoy a shared activity. With a young family you may have to grab small amounts of time together while you can, or you may prefer to schedule uninterrupted time when the kids are asleep.

Words of Affirmation – these are kind, affectionate, appreciative statements that recognize what your loved one means to you. Phrases that respect and encourage each other are also important. As is actively listening to what your partner has to say. You could do this verbally, and/or via email, text, letter, Facebook, or through sharing music, poems or phrases that reflect your feelings.

Acts of Service – this sounds very formal but simply means doing kind things for each other. Like taking on tasks a partner may not want to do or sharing household chores. It also involves showing you care - for example through preparing meals, paying the bills, and doing the laundry. This category is often the easiest one to miss as it is already part of our daily routine. Highlighting it is as a means of showing affection – and having that recognized and appreciated by a partner can make a big difference to you both feeling cared for.

Gifts – this might be an expensive present or something you have made. The idea here is to show someone you were thinking of them, you recognise what they do for you and you’ve paid attention to their likes and chosen something appropriate for them.

Physical Touch – could be shown in the form of hugs and cuddles; sitting close on the sofa or lying together in bed. Other touch people enjoy includes hair brushing, holding hands, massage (a hand, foot or head massage can work if you’re time-poor). This may or may not be sexual. You might find that time for pleasure has disappeared and finding opportunities to kiss, touch and reconnect physically may lead to you feeling more like sexual intimacy, or just enjoy nurturing touch without it leading to sex.

Crap sounds better in another language

People have always asked me why I've chosen to write my stories in my second language instead of my native one. I started doing so because I found Elfwood.com and wanted to share my stories. Then it just flowed on like that and when I starte´d to write in Swedish again it sounded odd. I couldn't put my finger on why it sounded odd. It was as if the words were flatter, less vibrant. I blamed Swedish, and kept going with English.

Lately, I've started to notice the same in English. The stories aren't as good as they once were and I thought: How can you become WORSE at something?

The other day I started to translate two WIPs into Swedish. Just because maybe my family will be easier to coerce into reading my writing than my friends are.

Translating my writing to my native language had a worrying effect. I realised (for real this time) that I'm not good at writing. As long as I weren't that great at English I didn't notice how lacking my skills were. Back in the start it all sounded awesome to me (it sounds even better in French which is my third language).

So. Yeah. You guys. I hate you for never making me see the truth. Now I've given up so much for this dream that I don't know how I'll manage to live without it.

Expectation vs outcome - the short version

One of the many problems with writing is that you have this fantastic idea of how the story will turn out and how your characters will be. You can't wait to pull the images from your head onto the pages of your manuscript.

A lot of the time, this is how it all works out:







At least they tasted delicious.

Egocentric and Chasing Accomplishment

Apparently I'm egocentric and chase accomplishment. I've drawn this conclusion from a comment on Rachelle Gardner's blog. Not her words, but someone reacting to them.

The comment that spurred my conclusion had the following phrasing:

"i see three reasons it might be more important to publish than to be happy with what you've written:

1. you make a living by writing.
2. you honestly believe your book will help people.
3. you are egocentric and chase accomplishment."

The original question from Rachelle Gardner was: "What's more important? Being happy with your work, or getting it published?"

I've experience a lot of anguish about getting published lately. It has lessened somewhat, but the fact is that I still can't be happy with my work unless it is read. For me, getting published seems to be the only way of getting people to read what I write. At least more people than 2-3 friends! They're great, all of them, but I'd like to reach more people.

So yes, unless something changes and lots of people randomly starts reading my work through other means than me getting published, then publishing is more important than being happy with what I've written because I'm not happy with what I've written unless someone reads it. Is that roundabout and complicated enough for you? I hope you followed my logic anyway. Which leads to the conclusion which kicked off this blog post.

Not that I don't want my writing to help people - but it's fiction after all. It can help people, but I don't think that what was the commenter meant. And I can make my living another way - I've always planned to do so. That leaves reason no 3 as the only reason I feel the way I do.

There you have it. Irrefutable logic from the realm of the WWW. I wish it didn't hurt, but it does, because I know that in those dark evenings when I doubt myself, I will believe the commenter is right.

A book I forgot, and always will remember

The summer of 2007, I lost my beloved dog. She was 11 but in perfect health. Then she suddenly fell ill. I went to the vet and they gave her medicine. However, late evening the same day she became much worse. When we called the vet station, they said they were already closing and the nearest hospital that might be able to help was many hours away.

I decided to hope for the best, or at least let her die at home instead of in a bumpy car ride.

She became completely paralysed somewhere around midnight. I sat with her all night, perhaps slept for an hour or so, lying on a mattress always touching her. But most of that very, very long night, I sat with my back against the wall, one hand constantly caressing that beautiful head. In the other, I held a book.

I don't remember much about that book. I think it was a short story anthology. I don't remember the author/s/. I don't remember the title. I don't think I'd even recognise it if I picked it up one day in the future. It might have been glorious, it might have been mostly crap. It could have been intelligent, romantic, exciting, sad. The important thing is that it kept me company during the worst hours I've ever experienced.

So for all writers out there: sometimes it's not about being wittiest, most romantic, original, or even have a great writing technique.

Sometimes it's just about helping someone pass the time when they need it the most.